The endeavour to encourage people to reframe ageing and redesign the conversation of end-of-life to more purposeful ageing is an arduous task. The nature of the topic makes it challenging for people to talk about, and there are very few avenues to tackle the problems collectively. Writers from all walks of life have shared their experiences and nudges more people to confront and familiarize with death planning with more intention so as to live a fuller life.
Below is a list of recommended books relevant for end-of-life (EOL) planning, which is carefully curated by Professor Wong Poh Kam and his two-cents worth.
1. A Beginner's Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death
by B.J. Miller and Shoshana Berger, 2019
A comprehensive, practical guide on what to do in preparation for your own death or your loved ones’, covering all aspects from Will Writing to Estate Planning, Dealing with Sickness and Preparing for Funeral and After. The book starts with setting very clear goals for end-of-life planning (Don’t Leave a Mess, Leave a Mark) and proceeds to provide detailed check-lists of things to handle, including matters that go beyond legal, financial and medical (e.g. leaving a letter, writing a eulogy, how to talk to kids about someone in the family dying, choosing what to wear forever). Although somewhat American-centric, many of the practical advice is generally applicable.
Relevant planning topics: Will, Estate Planning, Living Trust (Lasting Power of Attorney), Advanced Care Planning, Funeral Planning, Legacy Planning
2. That Good Night: Life and Medicine in the Eleventh Hour
by Sunita Puri, 2019
Born in the US to immigrants from India, Sunita uses the personal narrative of how she became a palliative care doctor to share moving stories of how terminally-ill patients and their loved ones grapple with the decision to prolong life versus dying a good death, and how palliative care can help reduce the number of needless sufferings.
Drawing on the deep cultural and spiritual values of her parents -- her mother an anesthesiologist and father engineer - that shaped her own upbringing, Sunita also highlights the role of spirituality in making the end of life more peaceful for the dying and their loved ones. I particularly love these wise words from the Bhagavad Gita that she shared: "The soul wears the body like a cloth and discards it at the time of death."... "...because death stirs people to seek answers to important spiritual questions it becomes the greatest servant of humanity, rather than its most feared enemy."
While the title of the book appears to have been taken from Dylan Thomas' poem, "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" in which the poet begs his father (and all of us) not to give in to death, but instead should fight against it ("Rage, rage against the dying of the light"), Sunita actually reminds us that true compassion requires us to take the perspective of the dying, who may prefer a good death to prolonged, meaningless suffering.
Sunita makes a strong case for advanced care planning and palliative care, and for engaging our loved ones in the difficult conversations about our (or their) dying wishes before it is too late.
Relevant planning topics: Advanced Care Planning, Advanced Medical Directive
3. A Better Death: Conversations about the art of living and dying well
by Ranjana Srivastava, 2019
An oncologist turned writer, Ranjana draws on her experience with many terminal cancer patients in Australia to tell moving stories of gratitude, acceptance and resilience in the face of mortality and offers useful advice on how we can be better prepared for dying well, and as a result, for living well.
A great reminder for all of us to start contemplating our mortality and take pro-active steps to prepare for it while we are still healthy.
Relevant planning topics: Advanced Care Planning, Advanced Medical Directive, Funeral Planning
4. At Peace: Choosing a Good Death After a Long Life
by Samuel Harrington, 2018
Drawing on his own experience with the ageing and deaths of his parents and of working with many terminally-ill patients for more than 30 years, Dr Harrington shares his experience in helping elderly patients dying from one or more of the most common chronic diseases to cope with the dying process, emphasizing the importance of having the hard conversation about end-of-life wishes before it is too late, and the role of hospice care to reduce needless suffering towards the end caused by painful but futile medical treatments. His frank discussion about the hard choices that need to be made, particularly in cases involving dementia, highlights the need to respect the wish for dignity on the part of the dying.
Dr Harrington’s many thoughtful advice is useful for both the elderly patients facing mortality as well as their children and caregivers. I find particularly useful the list of "Things to remember/Things to consider" at the end of each chapter that concisely summarizes the key actionable items that we should put into practice after reading the book.
Relevant planning topics: Advanced Care Planning, Advanced Medical Directive
5. The Art of Making Memories: How to Create and Remember Happy Moments
by Meik Wiking, 2019
A breezy guide to creating and remembering the Happy Moments in our life, the author draws largely from his work at the Happiness Research Institute in Denmark (which happens to be among the happiest nations in the world). While I am already familiar with the key psychological factors affecting our memories that he covered (e.g. the Peak-End rule - we primarily remember the peak and ending feelings of an experience, and largely forget all other parts of it; or that the act of retrieving a memory alters it, so over time what we remember may not be actually what happened), I like the nice examples that he used to illustrate these, and the way he translated them into practical to-do tasks.
A gentle nudge for us to start preserving our happy memories as part of the preparation for our legacy
Relevant planning topics: Legacy Planning, Memorial
6. Extra Time: 10 Lessons for an Ageing World
by Camilla Cavendish, 2019
I have read two other good books on similar theme (A Long Bright Future by Prof Laura Carstensen of Stanford Center on Longevity, and The Longevity Economy by Joe Coughlin of MIT AgeLab), but I found Camilla's writing more compact, readable and insightful (her journalistic background and government policy experience clearly show).
A key insight from her book is the under-recognized potential of the new Young Old (those reaching/over the outdated retirement age of 60-65 but younger than the Old Old (> 80years)), who are (mostly) still healthy and productive - the Extra Time that is not fully tapped. As one of the Young Old myself, I could relate very much to a lot of the things that she is talking about.
Given our longer expected lifespan, Camilla reminds us of the importance of pro-active financial planning for retirement, and for pursuing activities that extend our health-span and legacy
Relevant planning topics: Productive Longevity, Retirement Planning, Legacy Planning
More book reviews are available here.
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